Suddenly, a strange face appeared on my wife’s phone. It was my dealer Jon. I had never met Jon before but I certainly had ideas about what to expect. Seeing his face and hearing his voice felt so strange. My eyes struggled to erase my preconceptions. I guess I was expecting more scientist and less shipwrecked pirate. I asked him to call so that we could discuss a bad batch of product. I had grown to expect high quality product from him but now the smell of death was in the air. Customers were dropping dead everywhere and I couldn’t figure out why. Was the product contaminated by a deadly chemical or was the batch too potent?
Jon patiently listened while I explained our predicament. We gave Jon a full tour of the yard showing him the full extent of the grizzly scene. After about ten minutes of one-sided conversation I began to feel uneasy about Jon’s obvious lack of attention. Every time I looked at the screen he seemed to be looking away. Jon seemed to be annoyed or perhaps even bored. This made me mad! I spent a lot of money buying his product the year before and this year I doubled my order. Jon? Earth to Jon… Finally he spoke!
He said, “the product is fine.” I pushed back and said, “did you see the death and destruction everywhere”? Jon said, “it’s a watering issue!” I took a long pause to contain my nuclear frustration and disbelief. There was no way I was going to let him off the hook that easy. I showed him the stone dead tomatoes in one bed in contrast to the lush greenery growing up the arch and in the other beds. We water regularly and don’t skip the tomato bed. This is not our first rodeo sir. It’s too early in the season to be a heat issue. Frost was no longer a concern and they had plenty of sun. I started all my tomatoes from seed 10 weeks before. They were all perfectly healthy plants with pencil thick stems. I hardened them to perfection and dropped them in rich soil (Jon’s Compost) that produced ground cherries well the year prior. Coincidentally the beds with lush greenery didn’t get any of Jon’s soil.
I said, “what about that big area of seeded grass that never grew anything”? His product was in that entire dead zone. We’re bringing our yard back from the remnants of a BMX track so the lawn wasn’t looking great yet. We had some patchy spots still. He scoffed at our grass and acted like that was evidence we don’t know how to grow vegetables. Once more he insisted, “it’s a watering issue.” He said that he’s been selling compost for a long time now so he knows what he’s talking about. We obviously only know how to water some beds. Then Jon looked directly into the screen with a bit of a sneer and said the magic words, “I’M A MASTER GARDENER.” I asked him if he had a testing protocol for his compost to ensure there were no herbicides in the green waste product he sold. He said “Mother Nature has a way of taking care of that over time so it isn’t a problem.” The thought occurred to me, there is no way a green waste compost supplier doesn’t have herbicide in some batches of soil. Heat isn’t going to remove it.
Jon began to get a little testy at this point. How dare I, an insolent gardener with a small g question the great and powerful Oz. Suddenly Jon exclaimed, “so what do you want”? He said, ”we’re never going to agree that my product is the problem.” He started to question my motives and even condescendingly asked, “so do you want your money back, is that what you want”? I said, “this isn’t about the money Jon.” I just wanted to let you know that I might have a bad batch of compost so that you might trace it back to a pile on your lot this soil came from and perhaps we can save others the trouble. Perhaps this might save your reputation Jon. I told Jon I didn’t want my money back and that I’d just figure out how to deal with it. The video call ended abruptly and my wife and I just stared at each other in stunned silence. Don’t be a master gardener…
I couldn’t believe someone of his “stature and knowledge” would treat us like this. Then I looked up the requirements to become a master gardener. The main requirements to receive a master gardener certificate in Utah include:
15 class sessions of college-level lecture and hands-on training workshops.
A minimum of 40 hours of volunteer service back to the community.
Payment of $200.
I was happy to see that acting like a condescending jackass isn’t a requirement. Perhaps I will go through the program at some point. A master gardener isn’t insignificant but it is attainable by mere mortals. Any experienced gardener will tell you that years of seasonal experience with specific crops along with constant study and journaling are pretty good ways of becoming a master gardener. Is it possible that there are two roads to the same destination?
Hey, wait a second. I thought this was supposed to be an uplifting newsletter. What about the beauty and peace of the garden? There are positive lessons to be learned here. This experience caused me to diligently study the chemical contamination of soil. I learned about the types of tests and testing companies available to the home gardener and professional farmer. I learned more about the proper methods of collecting soil samples. I learned to produce and rely on my own compost! I topped off all my beds last fall and still have compost left over. I became fascinated with soil biology. I discovered the blessing of cover crops. I learned about the companies that produce herbicides and how herbicides can spread on the wind. Troubling! I learned how to treat my soil with activated charcoal powder. This is a topic worthy of your time. I recommend exploring all of the benefits of AC.
I thought gardeners were a generally friendly bunch until I ran into Jon last spring. They say you should never meet your heroes. I say, seek them out so you can learn from them. Sometimes “learning” happens in less conventional ways than you’d expect. Thank you for selling me poisoned compost Jon. It caused me to be more self-sufficient and learn things I may not have learned for years. The running joke around our house when something goes wrong in the garden is, “don’t worry, I’m a master gardener!”
Until we meet again, don’t be a master gardener.
Adam
I love this Adam!! You're quite the writer.
Thanks so much Wendy! I'm so happy to see you here.